How many times do you hear the word 'anxiety'? How many times is it joined with a stereotype or someone that brags because they cried in class and decided it was a panic attack? I have been contemplating writing a post about my anxiety for quite a while now but I have never known how to go about writing it but I'm starting to write this today and I shall see how it goes.
Quick little note: Everything I write comes from my experiences. I am a student in High school who just took their GCSE's so I apologise if you wanted an adults perspective. I am not so therefore my writing on the subject may not cover the same content but it's not a competition so I shall try my best! I am also not a doctor or trained in how to cope with anxiety, this works for me but it may not be correct.
I have suffered from Panic attacks for about two or three years now. I had my first one in a biology lesson straight after a practical was explained. I started having panic attacks more frequently: once a month, once every two weeks, twice a week, Once a week until I started having them everyday. I had gone from a happy bubbly girl to someone who wanted to stay at home because I was too scared to go outside and hated being at school. I stopped eating breakfast because I was so nervous and then I wouldn't eat anything at school because I was scared about what people would say. My grades dropped and I failed many mock exams that year because I had had a panic attack that left me tired and over run with emotions so my mind had gone completely blank. It was hard.
I became absent minded and careless about all the things I had once enjoyed. I began to push people away and the worst pert was seeing my best friend and family suffer because of my actions.
If you don't really know what a panic attack is, it is often explained as your body either goes into fight or flight mode. Its the sudden feeling or dread and as if the walls are closing in on you. Noises are heightened but your sight is blurry and its as if everyone around you is staring at you often making you feel as though they are talking about you: 'Oh how silly she is?' 'God, doesn't she look stupid?' and all those things run through my head. It's the feeling or wanting to go home even when you're in a place where you were once excited to be.
I had to decide that enough was enough and tried to stop it affecting me so much. I learnt to control my anxiety by learning to become more confident in myself which very difficult and probably the hardest part overall. I changed how I looked and created a new me forcing myself to walk taller, smile bigger and keep my chin up because I realised the moments I was experiencing were too good to look back on and remember that that was the day I had another panic attack.
I had lots of support from my family and my two best friends. Alice wrote
this surprise post for me on her perspective and both Alice and Chloe have been there for me, telling me that it doesn't matter or that that person is just not worth spending time thinking about and although I didn't have millions of people around me, I still managed to do it. I put my mind to it and my anxiety was something I was determined to control.
Someone once told me that wherever you are and you think you are surrounded by complete darkness, you never will be as there will always be light even if it's only a tiny amount. I remember going home that night and laying in bed seeing a tiny crack of light peeking through the gap in my curtains and although I believed her at the time, I didn’t completely understand why that thought was so significant. Eight years later, I now understand.
I surrounded myself with happy quotes, with motivation to become the better version of me instead of being the cold person that I had become. Do what makes you happy and allow yourself to become selfish once in a while. If you want to do it then do it, don't let anyone stop you.
Panic attacks aren't a forgotten thing. They still come and go and my body continues to 'fight or flight' but its much less frequently leaving me happier and back to being my bubbly self with a few hiccups now and then.
It's never too late to make a change.
♥
